I haven’t written in a while because I haven’t been in the best place. Maybe it’s the fuck waffle that is the government right now. Maybe I haven’t adjusted to living in Arkansas again as much as I would like to admit. My husband and I are looking for a house, which is exciting, but it also feels scary. I’m feeling my biological clock ticking.
This week, I was feeling particularly lost. A friend suggested it was the Mercury retrograde and a solar flare. But that would mean you all feel that too, right? Do you?
Solar flare or not, I’ve actually been pretty depressed. Or maybe depressed isn’t the word. Despairing? Longing? Forlorn, in general? Just kinda low level sad all the time?
One thing that has me the most excited I’ve been in a few months is this app called, WeCroak. A yoga teacher created it to help him with his phone usage. All the app does is remind you five times a day that you are going to die along with an “inspirational” quote. He said it was based on the Bhutan philosophy that for true happiness you should contemplate death five times a day.
When I told my husband about this, he thought it was pretty morbid. (Maybe it is?)
But I’m actually finding it refreshing.
It’s kind of funny to catch myself scrolling through Instagram and receive a notification that says, “Don’t forget. You’re going to die. Swipe to see the quote…” It makes it seem like the hilarious waste of time that it is.
I do feel a bit calmer and even more productive. My time feels more precious. I actually took the time to unsubscribe to a bunch of emails from people and businesses that flood my inbox with things I don’t ever read. I’m actually able to write an email to you instead of adding it to the pile of ever-growing drafts.
The only downside is that I did have a nightmare last night. I dreamed that I was driving this 50’s red convertible on some winding highway on a cliff by a beach without my headlights on. By the time I found my lights, I was nosediving off a cliff. My body actually felt like it was falling. I felt terrified and was thinking, “This is going to really hurt when I hit the ground.”
But I kept falling, and then I thought, “Oh, if I’m falling this long that means I’m probably not going to survive this.”
I felt this swell of terror. I was screaming. I kept falling off probably the tallest cliff ever. Then I thought, “Shit…when am I going to hit the ground?” I stopped screaming, but I was still bracing myself for the impact. In the dream, I felt curious enough to open one eye to see how much further I had to fall. And right as my nightmare was coming to its eventual end with me dead at the bottom of the ocean, my eyes opened.
I was awake.
My falling dream was really scary to me even after I had awakened. I practiced yoga to take my mind off my remaining anxiousness. As I lay in Savasana, I kept remembering the fall. I was thinking about how most of the fear of death is fearing the unknown. But I had just felt it, and it like any other sensation or feeling was temporary. Even in my dreams, I got a little bored of the fall and wondered just how long my death was going to take.
I’m always in a rush to get the end. I want to know what career I should have. I want to know if this dang President is going to get impeached or what. I want to find a house soon. I want to get on with it and have children. I want to know how it will end so I can get on with it and finally be happy for once.
But waiting until you get everything you want in order to be happy will probably be too late. (If you are even luck enough to get what you want.)
In the midst of my sadness, I know what’s been missing: good old enjoyment. Taking my time. Doing stuff for no other reason than it might be fun…or interesting. Needing things to go a certain way is a little like trying to control my fall off a cliff.
We’re always in motion. Don’t be in such a rush.
I’m going to be writing about my death contemplation everyday this month. If you would like these sent directly to you, subscribe to my email list.