I’ve been going through a lot of old blog post drafts. I had about 20 different ongoing “ideas” that never came into actual internet fruition. Some were fully fleshed out, but at the time I was writing them I didn’t think they were ready. Then, I returned to them with fresh eyes, and they seemed perfect. Some of my drafts were 700 word boring ramblings, but then I would find one sentence that was the tiny glimmering pebble of gold. It took hours of wading through my own thoughts to get to that one sentence…what the piece really was about.
I continued wading through my old incomplete thoughts and late night harebrained mutterings. Then, I noticed a draft from exactly one year ago today, titled, “What to Do When You Aren’t in Control.” I had no recollection of what words or ideas this post would contain, and I couldn’t resist my own click-bait title. The page loaded with those enticing words again, “What to Do When You Aren’t in Control,” yet the post was blank. I figured the internet connection wasn’t good. So, I tried loading other websites. Fine. I looked at the modem. Seemed to be working. I hit the refresh button several times. Blank white space.
There never was a post here. I suppose I had written the title, and I felt pretty assured that I was going to come up with some genius pro-tips on how to regain that sweet, sweet control…you know, the thing that’s going to make everything nice and calm? Yet, here I was. Staring at a blank screen. No words. No platitudes. No five easy steps. Just space. I want to believe that the Lauren of one year ago was sitting around thinking of practical jokes for future Lauren to stumble upon. Blank drafts! That one will surely get her! Or maybe I was approaching something back then that I wasn’t fully able to grasp until now. There’s nothing to do. There is no control. There’s only you staring into space, feeling how you feel, and noticing the places your mind goes. Sure, we could fill the space with jokes, thoughts about how that OTHER person needs to change for US, breathing tips, psychoanalysis of motives and past experiences, OR we could sit. We could be in the space of static, stillness, and nothing to find that our power isn’t in the right external circumstances. It’s here.
It’s in the blank spaces.