This is the last pose of the Fearless Fourteen. This post was supposed to happen on July 18th, and you may have noticed that today is the 22nd. The 18th came and went, and I thought, “Eh, I’ll just do it tomorrow.” Then, I got very homesick. I felt too depressed to be a yoga ambassador, a teacher, a guide. I wasn’t just procrastinating with yoga. I have a list of errands and two boxes left to unpack from our move. My inner-dialogue would say, “Just do it very quick. You could do it now.” Then, the excuses would come, “I need to do laundry. I have to clean up the apartment. I’d rather just look at these cute animal pictures on Reddit.” Then, I notice something. I have a hard time finishing things. I’m pretty good at keeping deadlines OTHER people give me, but when it comes to my own, its very negotiable. The deadlines I give myself are so negotiable they are practically non-existent.
I spent two days thinking about why I have a hard time finishing things. Is it my perfectionism? Am I living in extremes? Then, the rumination turns into shame. “You didn’t finish it, AGAIN. Stop trying to do things you non-finisher you.” I even Googled, “Why is it so hard to finish things?” Today, I just did the damn pose. I don’t really need to know why I am completion challenged. Thinking about it constantly just served as a distraction to actually finishing. After doing a short practice, and taking my picture of Fish pose the answer just came.
I have been in a new state for three weeks. I was soaring high, but all of a sudden I had a crash of depression. It wasn’t caused by any event. It was just a feeling that EVERYTHING was different. My friends and my family are all somewhere else having fun…without me. I did not feel in control of much, and procrastinating is just a way to feel in control. This way, everything is on my terms and on my timeline. To truly be mindful is to do the task in front of you. Your awareness requires it. When we push the boxes back in the closet, when we put off those errands for another day, when we drive by the grocery store because we just can’t do it today, we make the choice to be willfully ignorant. We send the message to ourselves that we cannot manage life, that we cannot handle awareness, and that we will not welcome new experience. We simply stop living. I’m not saying we can’t have a change of plans or that it is bad to go to the post office on Tuesday instead of today. I just notice that when I procrastinate, its because I think I can’t handle it today. When I am aware and mindful, I can stop and breathe. I can check in with myself, and ask, “Can you handle this today?”
I always answer, “Yes.”