Death of a Cheerleader

I have been struggling the past few weeks with my upcoming move.  Half of my possessions are in boxes.  It seems like many decisions cannot be made until I have arrived, and other decisions must be made before I go.  There’s pressure, deadlines, to-do lists, and the overwhelming feeling that I just cannot do it.  How do I get there from here?  Up until now, I have recognized my shitty attitude, and it IS very shitty.  I see that it isn’t helpful.  I can reason that it isn’t doing me any good.  But there it is, in all its glory.  There is a dialogue in my mind that says, “You can’t do this. It’s too hard.  It’s too much trouble.”  Most of the time, I can talk myself out of this dysfunctional thinking pattern.  Many times, it still remains only to be repeated again and again.

I was teaching a yoga class one day, and my students didn’t have much energy.  I tried speaking louder, calling poses faster, being expressive, and jumping around like a little yoga cheerleader.  The students didn’t follow my lead.  The more “yoga cheerleader” I was, the slower they got.  Then, I strongly got the feeling that my approach was all wrong.  I could not drag anyone to unbridled enthusiasm, because I didn’t even have it.  Instead of constantly trying to control the class to get it to look like what I thought it should, I had to see what the class required of me and act from there.  They did not need or want a cheerleader.

Everyday, in my head, I’m having a sluggish yoga class, and I have a tiny yoga teacher that’s yelling, “Woo!  You can do it!  You can move across the country!  You can make all new friends!  You can find a job!  It’s going to be great!”  The reason I can’t shake the bad attitude because I can see through the positive facade.  That hyped up over-positive self-talk is a lie, and the truth is:  I don’t know if I can do it.  It doesn’t mean that I actually can’t, or that I won’t.  It just means that I don’t know.  I was too scared to face that big of an unknown so I started nurturing my inner cheerleader.  I’m not against positive people or having an optimistic outlook.  Our inner cheerleaders can get us to step out of our comfort zones.  They can get us to take amazing chances.  When we become cheerleaders in our mind to block out what we perceive as negative on a regular basis.  We aren’t solving our problems; we are just masking them with potpourri.  Instead of bullying myself into positivity, I have to sit and look at what the situation actually requires in the moment.  

Put the things in a box.  

Make the phone call.  

Just take the next step.

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